We had similar on Monday but not quite so difficult. An evening of reading some my fave blogs and realising that it is all 'normal' (well normal for a family with a child with ASD) helped put it all in perspective and I went to bed feeling much better.
On Monday, I didn't even feel the need to blog. It was enough to know there were people out there who understood.
But today, I was all prepared to tell all - to explain all my feelings, to second guess all J's feelings and try to get to the bottom of why it happened, to write a transcript of the text conversation that D had with Daddy whilst all this was going on explaining that he had never seen J like this.
But I want to try something different. I guess deep down I always wanted this blog to be a positive diary showing all the special things the kids have been able to do. I wanted to show all the wonderful things about having a child with Aspergers. I wanted to show how, far from being a limitation, J has some fantastic qualities and abilities that we wouldn't change for the world. I wanted to show that, although in reality J's needs do influence and shape our lives to a huge extent, that it is still possible to do everything and more that any other family can do. I didn't want the ASD to define J. I wanted this blog to be about us as a family. A family whose eldest son also just happens to have Aspergers.
To pretend the bad days don't happen would be a lie. But I want to end the day on a high. So instead of just blogging about all the 'stuff' from today, I am going to blog about everything I love about J.
It reminds me of when he was a baby and toddler (way before any hint of diagnosis) - I just thought I had got myself a 'difficult' baby. One that didn't sleep much (he still doesn't) and one that was into everything (far more than most). At the end of each (exhausting) day, I would have to creep into his room and just look at him sleeping and all the anger and frustration would melt away and I would feel so full of love for him.
So what I love about J is:
- How he gives his brother the squeeziest of hugs (especially if they have been apart for a couple of hours).
- How he adores his baby sister so much that it is beyond anything we could have ever imagined.
- How he has never been cross or angry at his little sister and even mid-meltdown he never takes things out on her.
- How brilliant he is at maths! (it is beyond understanding how any child of mine can be SO good at maths).
- How he is such a perfectionist (I pray it won't limit him as the flip side is a huge fear of failure or getting it wrong).
- How he won't take no for an answer - I can see him making some major breakthrough in science or something. When the rest of the world gives up and says it can't be done, he will be the one to prove that it can be because he just won't take no for an answer.
- How he can talk to anyone and everyone about Moshi Monsters and yet struggles to say a simple hello to anyone.
- How his obsessions have led him to have his dream come true.
- How good he is at games (board games, and computer games!) and whatever I do I can never win against him.
- How he can play chess and draughts and I cannot.
- How he calls me back into his room at bedtime for one last goodnight hug.
- How amazing he is at reading and spelling (and even writing stories when he is in the mood for it) - his love of books is just incredible, regularly choosing 20 or so from the library and then reading them all in a matter of days.
- How much he loves jokes and how unlike some people with Aspergers, I think he 'gets' the meaning of sayings but likes the fact that they have a funny literal meaning so he will sometimes make a joke of it (like 'keep an eye on it' - he will actually put his eye on something - but I'm pretty sure he does it as a joke and does understand what is meant by it).
He is an amazing little lad (and his brother is amazing too! and of course his little sister). We love him. We adore him. We don't always know how to do what's right for him, but we are trying to do our best.