I’ve not been here before and I don’t know what to do.
I know nothing I could write or say could do her justice. But I remember in time of grief, that I wanted people to say something rather than nothing. Here is our something, as inadequate as it is.
I’m not a tweeter. I rarely go onto twitter apart from the odd occasion. But for some reason on Sunday I found myself on twitter and spotted the most heartbreaking of tweets. The unimaginable, the unthinkable, the unbearable had happened. Dear Matilta Mae, the 9 month old daughter of Jennie and David @Edspire, had passed away in her sleep.
No illness, no warning, just shock and heartbreak.
I don’t know the family personally. I don’t even ‘know’ them via blogging but only in the sense that I used to read about Matilda Mae on the blog and see her beautiful face on facebook. I distinctly remember the Mamascarf model competition when Jennie had asked for people to vote for Matilda and I remember those stunning eyes. I remember commenting on facebook about her gorgeous eyes.
And when I heard that most tragic news, all I kept seeing in my mind were those special eyes, those magical eyes, those precious eyes.
The shock was immense. How could something like this happen? How can life be so cruel? For the first time ever, I went to bed with my phone by my side as if somehow that would help Matilda’s family know I was there. I was listening to their tweets. But I didn’t sleep. I sobbed and I sobbed. I knew that what I was feeling was not even a grain of sand in comparison to what they were going through – but my heart ached for them so so much.
I couldn’t make sense of it. How can anyone make sense of it. Some things just can’t be made sense of. I know many many others felt heartbroken too. Anything playing on my mind, I normally turn to the blog and write, but it was not my place to write anything. Yet I couldn’t carry on as if nothing had happened. Apart from a scheduled post, I have found it hard to blog again. I spoke to a couple of my friends. They told me to stop reading about it. I can’t. They didn’t get it. They didn’t understand how through a blog, you get to see inside people’s lives more than you do with the people you meet day to day.
I am writing this, but still don’t know what to say, I still have no words. I usually have a rough plan of what I am going to write before I start a blog post, but today I am still lost. I don’t know how to handle the feelings from the blogging world which are real. I used to think of it as ‘blog life’ and ‘real life’ but it is real. The feelings are real. The pain is real. The confusion is real. I haven’t been in this place before and I don’t know what to do. So I am writing and I ask for forgiveness if I write anything ‘wrong’ that causes hurt.
I remember Jennie’s tweet saying “If you have just half a thought of doing something with your little one, do it today!” And I keep remembering it.
We changed our plans for homeschool that day and all went out to the park. I took photos. In Matilda’s memory, I wanted to make memories with my own children and I was going to treasure every second and never take them for granted.
The next day, the tears didn’t stop. The boys kept asking why I was crying and I had to tell them. I felt so confused because I could not and still cannot understand how this beautiful baby girl who I had never met had brought out the most intense emotions I had ever felt.
Daniel said “I know what will help” and he rushed upstairs and brought me an artificial diamond he has and gave it to me, hugged me and said ‘I love you mama’. When I kissed Joshua goodnight, he pleaded, ‘no more crying tomorrow mummy’.
I wish my tears could make theirs less. I want to carry on life and make it more special than ever before by enjoying and embracing every second, but at the same time, I know that there is a family out there in such pain right now that I feel guilty when I am enjoying time with my children.
I have remembered Jennie’s words each day and we have done something special each day. I took Trinity to toddler group for her first time on Wednesday whilst the boys had a lovely outing to a farm with daddy. On Thursday we went as a whole family to visit the fire station whereas ordinarily it would have just been one of us just taking the boys whilst the other caught up on chores. Today, I took a moment to read T’s favourite book with her after her nap instead of rushing on into the day.
I don’t have the right words to say. No-one can make their pain any less.
All I can promise is that I will remember. I will remember how strongly we are feeling their loss. I realise that I have no ‘right’ to grieve with such intensity but I cannot help it. The tears just keep flowing and I cannot stop them. We will not cease talking about her because she is no longer here. Our lives have been impacted because of her. My children will have a mum who appreciates them and will never take them for granted again because of Matilda Mae. My children will have a mum who will treasure every second of every day because of Matilda Mae.
Matilda Mae will be forever remembered. Matilda Mae will forever shine in our lives and in the lives of so many thousands of people.