I've been struggling. Since the tragic news at the weekend I spent most of the past couple of days crying. I felt guilty, I had no 'right' to cry - it was not my loss. I have felt confused and lost. I almost didn't want to come back to my blog as there are no words to say that will help. I'm sure that in time there will be a fitting tribute from the whole of the blogging community but for now I just needed to get back to write something positive here for fear of not wanting to blog again.
It is a strange thing really how you feel a link with bloggers that is sometimes illogically and unexplainably strong. I can't understand it fully and I know that people who don't read blogs don't seem to understand it. But when you have had a glimpse into someones life through a blog, it is hard to shut off, to put it out of your mind, to not let it affect you. I want to write more but I can't just yet. It has taken until today to reduce the stream of tears to a point that I can see the screen to type.
So in terms of moving onto something positive for now, I want to tell you about my day at Toddler group with Trinity. I always planned that we would have occasions to do something special, just me and her but I knew it would be harder to do because of the boys being homeschooled. Until now, I hadn't made an effort because I thought she would be too young to really appreciate it, enjoy it or remember it at all.
Today, as daddy had a day off work , we took our opportunity. Whilst Daddy took the boys to a home-ed session to see Ferrets and other animals at a local farming college, me and T grabbed the opportunity to go to one of my favourite toddler groups.
We got such a lovely warm welcome as there were still people attending who used to attend a couple of years ago when we were last there (their children were almost ready for school now compared to being so young before).
T loved seeing all the toys that were different to her own. I could see in her face how much she was enjoying it. She also loved the singing session at the end.
When we used to go along to this particular toddler group, there was a little girl who had introduced a new thing to do at the end of the 'Little bunnies sleeping' song, where instead of hopping, they would run around and squeal and scream. This seemed to become a tradition and they have been doing it ever since even though that little girl has long left the toddler group and has been at school for a good few years.
I whispered to the lady next to me and asked whether they still end the session with 'Little Bunnies sleeping' and she told me that last week they had all screamed so much that the song had to be banned! I found it so funny. This week, they had set up the chairs especially to create a barrier to prevent the children from doing the crazy running around bit and the leader had words with the kids to remind them to promise to be sensible - and I'm pleased to say they did all manage it.